The Post, 01.01.2004

Roy Clarke – The Spectator (Tilskueren)

Mfuwe

He lumbered out of the state lodge, staggered towards the massive wooden chair that had been made ready for him, and fell backwards into it. His dishevelled safari suit was unbuttoned, and his huge belly hung over his trousers. In front of him sat all the assembled animals of Mfuwe, waiting for the Great Elephant Muwelewele to begin his Christmas Message. (Muwelewele er Bemba og betyder “useless”)
’Distinguished elephants, honourable hippos, mischievous monkey, parasitic politicians, bureaucratic buffaloes, and other anonymous animals,’ he began. ‘I have just returned from one of my very brief visits to Lusaka, in order to be with you at this time of celebration. My message to you is that the last year has been a resounding economic success, and Mfuwe has never been more prosperous.’
‘Ee ee eeyee,’ squealed the monkeys, dancing around in circles, and waggling their bottoms, each painted with a picture of the Great Elephant. (Et utal af kvinder har fået chitenger (afrikanske “slå-om-nederdele”) tæt dekoreret med billeder af præsidenten, og de fejrer ham ved at danse – og kvinderne vrikker meget med numsen, når de danser) [Female supporters are given chitenges with the president's picture all over and they celebrate him by dancing].
’When I was elected,’ continued Muwelewele, ‘I promised that only those constituencies (valgkredse) that voted for me would see development (udvikling). That is why Mfuwe is the only constituency that has seen development.’
‘Iwe wakhonza!’ shouted the crowd. (Det er Nyanja, og betyder: “You have succeeded!”)
’All the humans in the rest of this country refused to vote for me, so they have had no share in our marvellous development!’
‘Chabwino!’ (=Okay!) shouted the crowd.
‘It was only you, my friends from the game park (vildtparken), who went out there and brought in twenty-nine percent of the vote [Pres Mwanawasa got 29% of the votes]. The snakes of the Shushushu slithered into the ballot boxes (stemmeurnerne) and stuffed them with votes. The horrible hyenas were our trusted party cadres who chased away the opposition voters. Our reliable rhinos moved the polling stations (valgstederne) to unknown places in the forest. And our merry monkeys played hide and seek (legede skjul) with the voters cards (stemmekortene).’
‘Hurray!’ laughed the crow. ‘The law of the jungle!’
‘So now the MMD [the President's party] is the Movement for Mfuwe Development. All my development programmes are located in Mfuwe, and all my appointments (udnævnelser) have been from amongst you. The previous government would not put you in government, saying you were just monkeys and crocodiles, who shouldn’t even be given the vote.’
‘Chamanyazi!’ (Hvilken skændsel!) [What a disgrace!]
’But I have changed all that. I have nominated hippos to parliament (Præsidenten udnævner selv 8 parlamentsmedlemmer) [The president himself appoints 8 members to the National Assembly], and made them my ministers! I have appointed jackals as my district administrators (den øverste i distrikterne) [the DA, the head of the districts is appointed by the president], and put the long-fingered baboons (bavianer) in charge of the Treasury (statskassen). I have put the knock-kneed (kalveknæede) giraffe in charge of agriculture (landbruget), the hungry crocodile in charge of child welfare, and the red-lipped snake in charge of legal reforms (lovreformer). And best of all, the pythons are now fully employed, squeezing the taxpayers (skatteyderne)!’
‘One family, one government!’ cheered the crow. ‘One hippo one minister!’ (Kenneth Kaunda, der altid sørgede for at udnævne ministre fra alle store stammer, indførte mottoet: One Zambia, one nation! Mwanawasa beskyldes for kun at udnævne familie og venner.) [Kenneth Kaunda, who appointed ministers from all tribes to avoid tribal divison, introduced Zambia's motto: One Zambia, One Nation! Pres. Mwanawasa is accused of nepotism by some critics]
’Our beloved Mfuwe,’ said Muwelewele solemnly, ‘is now a state within the state. We control everything in the rest of the country. Everything is now run for our benefit. I am pleased to report that the past year has been the best ever. Just as the others are becoming thinner, so we in the game park are becoming fatter. As hospitals fall down in the rest of the country, so we are building veterinary clinics (dyreklinikker) all over Mfuwe.’
‘Wehwehweh!’ squealed the baboons, running up to the Great Elephant and showing him their big red bottoms.
‘I am truly overwhelmed by this show of affection,’ said the Great Muwelewel, holding his handkerchief to his nose.
‘Education is another of our great success stories,’ continued Muwelewele. ‘The heartless humans built schools and universities for themselves, but provided absolutely nothing for the animals in Mfuwe. We are now reversing this situation (Det laver vi helt om på nu!). By closing these schools we now have the funds to send our monkeys abroad to Harvard (dyrt universitet). They are studying for MBAs, degrees in Manipulating Budget Allocations.’(kandidateksaminer i at manipulere med bevillingerne - MBA = Master of Business Administration, ca. cand. merc.)
‘Just as employment (beskæftigelsen) is falling rapidly amongst the humans, so it is increasing rapidly here in Mfuwe. Just as factories are closing in the remainder of the country, so they are increasing here. I have declared Mfuwe a tax-free zone, and our new manufacturing industry (fremstillingsindustri) will soon be exporting directly to South Africa. A new bridge across the Luangwa (River) is already under construction for this purpose.’
‘Our Saviour,’ (Vor Frelser) shouted the crowd. ‘A new saviour is born! A New Deal! A New Direction! Let’s roast a few street kids, and have a real feast!’
(Mwanawasa kalder sit politiske ”program” for New Deal) {Pres Mwanawasa calls his political platform "New Deal"]
_______
The Jumbo glided to a halt at Lusaka International Airport. Out came the Great Leader Muwelewele, lumbering down the steps like an elephant. A reporter managed to thrust a microphone in front of him.
‘Your Divine Majesty (Deres guddommelige majestæt.), how did you enjoy your holiday in Mfuwe?’
’What!’ exploded the Great Leader, his face turning purple with rage. ‘I was not on holiday! This was a very busy working trip, to look at current economic developments in Mfuwe, which has already been privatised. Shoprite (sydafrikansk ejet supermarkeds-kæde for de velhavende – jeg handler der selv) [South African chain of supermarkets for people who can afford to buy] has already bought the place, and they are busy putting in an abattoir (slagteri) and meat processing factory (kødforarbejdnings-virksomhed). We are already building the bridge across the Luangwa, for direct export of game meat (vildtkød) to South Africa!’

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Mfuwe Lodge - den mest luksuriøse lodge inde i South Luangwa National Park, hvor præsident Kenneth Kaunda plejede at tilbringe sine ferier, og præsident Mwanawasa tilbragte sin jul i 2003 og holdt sin officielle juletale, der fik Roy Clarke til at skrive "Mfuwe".

Mfuwe Lodge - the most luxurious lodge inside South Luangwa National Park, where President Kenneth Kaunda used to spend his holidays and President Mwanawasa spent his Christmas holidays in 2003 and gave his official Cristmas speech, which prompted Roy Clarke to write "Mfuwe"